Parents often forget that one of the most powerful discipline tools at their disposal is isolating their children from the rest of the family. Every family unit, no matter how dysfunctional it may seem from time to time has family members that want and need to belong to that unit. When children's behavioral pattens create family chaos, parents NEED to isolate them from the rest of the family so they have time to reflect on their behavior.
Isolation doesn't necessarily mean that the child has to only be confined to their room for long periods of time. Sometimes a 20-30 minute isolation is all that is needed to get the point across that the child needs to calm down and change their behavior before they are once again accepted into the family unit. Remember, bad behavior will rear it's ugly head at the most inopportune times. For example, if a child is at a relatives house and starts to misbehave, a child can be told to sit in the living room for 20 minutes to reflect on his/her behavior while the rest of the guests socialize in the kitchen.
Meals are also another opportunity for parents to isolate children whose behavior has adversely affected the rest of the family. Eating alone in the kitchen, while the rest of the family eats in the dining room is a good form of isolation. So is having an older child stay home by themselves while the rest of the family goes out to eat at a nice restaurant. This is a very isolating experience that the child will not want to repeat anytime soon. Worst would be making a younger child stay home with a babysitter while the entire family enjoyed a night out at the movies or a fun day of bowling. However, this might be a necessary behavior modification tactic for a unruly, disrespectful, unappreciative or out of control child.
When a child's behavior becomes so unruly that it starts to adversely affect the rest of the family, the child needs to be isolated. Isolation should be long enough create a sense of loss. If a child is sent to his/her room for 20-30 minutes, this is usually sufficient. However, there may be times when the isolation has to be longer.
Here are some examples when more isolation may be needed.
Behavior: Child stomps up the stairs and slams bedroom door when told that a friend who was visiting could not sleepover. Child also screams through a closed bedroom door, "That's not fair!"
Parent's reaction: Parent immediately sends visiting friend home. Child is sent to his/her room for 20 minutes and told to think about his/her actions (stomping, slamming and screaming).
After the 20 minutes are up, the parent enters the isolated child's room and asks the child the following question "Do you know why you were isolated in your room?" The child's response to the parent's question will determine if the child has had a long enough time in isolation to reflect on his/her behavior. If the child answers, "Yes, because I stomped up the stairs, slammed the door and screamed," then the isolation time was probably sufficient. If the child answers "No, I don't know why I was sent to my room" or "You never let my friends sleep over," then the child probably needs to spend more time in isolation.
A good rule of thumb is to extend the isolation time by 10-15 minutes, incrementally, until the parent gets the most appropriate answer to the posed question. If the parent does not get an appropriate answer the first time the question is posed to the child, then the parent should inform the child that he/she will be given another 10-15 minutes to reflect. It is extremely important for a child to reflect on their behavior. Children should not be released from isolation until they know exactly why they were being disciplined/isolated.
It is important for children to understand that their behavior was utlimately responsible for their own isolation. To help a child understand this better, a parent should ask the isolated child the following question, "Whose fault is it that you had to spend 30 minutes alone in your room?" Although the response may vary from time to time, many children, especially young ones, will often respond back, "Yours!" Even though this response is completely inaccurate, many children believe that their parents, not their inappropriate behavior is the reason for isolation. Since we all know that perception plays an integral role in the way our thought processes work, we have to keep in mind that a child, especially a small child may think, "Mom put me in my room, so it's her fault that I'm in my room, not my fault."
The key to getting a child to change their behavior is to get them to first realize that THEIR BEHAVIOR was the reason that they spent the time in isolation. This is critical to getting the important message accross that all behaviors have consequences. Children start to mature when they stop blaming everyone else, especially their parents, for their miserable situations.
Isolation also helps a child to understand how their bad behavior has affected the rest of the family, as well as, any other individual that may have been exposed to their behavior. For example, if the child exhibited the bad behavior while the parents were entertaining friends and relatives, the child should be made to realize that the guests were made to feel very uncomfortable. The child should understand that their bad behavior affected more than their parents and siblings feelings, but that the guests who came over to enjoy a pleasant evening were also embarrased and uncomfortable.
If after explaining this to the child, the child appears to have no remorse, more isolation may be needed. Remember, no matter what the situation, an apology is always required. If the child made an outburst that affected other family members, guests or innocent bystanders, the child must make a sincere apology to the parties that were offended. Depending on the situation, parents must ensure that the child makes an immediate apology, or makes an apology as soon as the isolation period is over.
In extreme cases, it may be necessary to isolate a child for several hours or for an entire day. If this is necessary, the child should not have any distractions, like TV, Internet or music. A child can read and come down for dinner, but that's it. There should be no family interaction until the child has adequately reflected on their behavior and is out of isolation.
Use isolation as often as necessary, even while you are using other methods to discipline and you will notice a rapid improvement in your children's behavior.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Implement A Rewards System: Step By Step
QUICK & EASY - Get Your Kids On A Reward's System
CHECKLIST - For A Successful Rewards System Launch
Pre Launch
□ Advise the children that a family meeting will take place after dinner
□ Ask all of the children to come up with a list of chores they feel they are capable of performing and instruct them to write them down and bring them to the family meeting.
□ Print out a copy of Building Character: Why Parenting Is Important (Blog Article), What Kids Must Realize (Blog Article) The House Rules (Blog Article) and the Chore Charts that you customized for your children so you can distribute them to each child during the family meeting. Note: Print out enough copies so that each child and parent has a complete set of each document. Make sure that each child has a copy of the other children’s Chore Charts.
Launch
□ Have all family members sit facing each other. Mom and Dad should be sitting together showing a united front. Kids should be sitting across from Mom and Dad.
□ Start the family meeting by handing out copies the "Building Character: Why Parenting Is Important" blog article, the "What Kids Must Realize" blog article and the "House Rules" blog article to each parent and each child. DO NOT distribute the Chore Charts yet.
□ Inform the children that you want them to take turns reading the documents that you have prepared. Have the older children take turns reading if some of the younger children can't read or are just learning how to read. If your children are too young to read, then you may have to modify the articles to make them shorter and to use language the children will understand.
□ Have one child start reading the section on “Building Character: Why Parenting Is Important.”
□ After the child has finished reading, ask the children if they understand what was just read. Have a Q & A session if necessary. Note: You MUST drive the point home that you are not establishing the House Rules and Chores to be mean, but that you feel that it is something that you MUST DO to be a responsible and loving parent. Explain to the children that a good parent helps shape their children’s behavior and that the primary reason that you are doing this now, is because you have noticed that the children are exhibiting a lot of behavior that need shaping/changing.
□ Have a different child read the second section entitled “What Kids Must Realize” Keep in Mind that this section usually evokes a negative reaction in children because children want to feel that they are equal to adults. Remember, the emphasis here should be that children are NOT equal to adults. Adults have authority over children, not the other way around! Note: Every time you let your child “get away” with bad behavior without verbally informing him/her that their actions are inappropriate and every time you fail to follow through on disciplining your child for behaving improperly, you are reinforcing the bad behavior that you are trying to discourage. Children will pretend that they don’t understand this, but they do. You MUST explain to your children that you are making these changes because you want them to understand that all actions, inactions and behaviors have consequences. For example, if they forget their school book, they can’t finish their homework. If they don’t finish their homework, they get a failing grade, etc. Let your children know that FROM NOW ON, you are going to be actively involved in monitoring their behavior, which includes watching for what they are doing WRONG so you can punish them, as well as, watching for what they are doing RIGHT, so you can praise them. Remember, positive reinforcement or praise is just as important as punishment in changing and reshaping a child’s behavior. Have a Q &A if necessary. These points MUST be clearly understood by both parents and children in order for this to work.
□ Move on to "The House Rules." Have the children take turns reading the Rule and Reason for the Rule. Once the child is done reading, ask all of the children if they understand the Rule and why the Rule is necessary. Note: If the children do not understand the purpose of the Rule, reinforce the Reason for the Rule by giving another example or scenario. Remember, the Rules are NOT up for debate. Children DO NOT make the House Rules, parents do! Children do not get to pick and choose which Rules to follow. Children need to realize that are fully capable of doing many things on their own. They must realize that having responsibility will only help them to be more self-reliant.
□ Explain to the Children that you have also fallen into a bad pattern of behavior. Tell the children that you are aware that, in the past, you have warned them and threatened to punish them, but have been inconsistent with actually following through on your threats. Let them know that this lack of consistency on your part has resulted in them not taking what you say seriously. Let them know that this STOPS NOW. Note: Keep in mind that “Warnings and Threats” are meaningless to children if parents rarely follow through on actually doling out the discipline that they threaten their children with. Remember that when you fail to act, you fail to shape behavior. For example, if your child continues an activity or behavior for many minutes after he/she is told to stop, the child’s failure to stop is actually stating non-verbally that, “I hear you, but I know I don’t have to stop because I know you won’t punish me because you never follow through on your threats even after you give me a warning.”
□ Explain to the children that you are no longer going to allow them to “keep asking” until they get the answer they want. For example, let them know that if they want something and they ask Mom and Mom says, “No,” then they shouldn’t ask Dad in the hopes that Dad will say “Yes.” Tell them that the general rule FROM NOW ON is going to be “If you ask Mom and Mom says “No,” assume its “NO.” Note: Don’t allow children to get away with pitting one parent against the other. Never disagree about discipline in front of your children. One parent should never overrule the other parent. If parents disagree on what type of discipline is appropriate, they should try to reach an agreement. If one parent thinks that the discipline is too harsh, the discipline can always be changed later after an agreement between the parents is reached. Never let children think that they were instrumental in getting a discipline changed by pitting one parent against the other. Do not allow your children to manipulate you! Also, remember that it is extremely important that each parent should take turns being the bad guy. For this to work properly, it is critical that both parents are equally responsible for doling out punishment, as well as, praise.
□ After your children are finished reading the last Rule and Reason, ask them if there is anything that needs clarification. Ask the children if they understand what you are trying to implement and why these changes are needed. Inform them that you value their input and are willing to hear their suggestions, but you are NOT going to change your mind and that you are going to follow through with this new system.
□ Listen to your children’s feedback. Address their issues and go over whatever points are needed to get your message across.
□ Have each child read the statement that is above the signature line. Use one signature page for all the children.
□ Inform the children that each parent will also sign the signature page. Explain to them that this is a family agreement and that you also have also have a responsibility to follow through. Tell them that your job is to make sure that you recognize and reward good behavior and that you punish and discourage bad behavior.
□ Tell the kids that the House Rules will be posted on the fridge or some other place where everyone can see, including friends and family that comes over to visit. Let the children know that they are responsible for making sure that their friends know about the House Rules. Tell them that friends who choose to ignore the House Rules will be sent home. Note: Make sure the children understand that they can not use “I forgot” as an excuse for breaking the House Rules. Tell them that the reason that you are requiring them to sign the document is so there is no confusion about what type of behavior is expected from them or their friends.
□ Explain that your hope is that the whole family can be more cooperative with each other. Let the children know that in order to do this, you have divide up the household chores and gave each of them a list of daily responsibilities. Explain that the Chore Chart is separate from the House Rules. Let them know that you have tried your best to make the Chore Charts fair and that each child will have different Chores, depending on their age and capabilities. Ask the children if they thought more about the kinds of chores that they believed they were capable of doing. (Remember, you asked them to think about this earlier in the day, to write the chores down and to bring their chore lists to the family meeting.) Collect the Chore Lists from the children. Note: If some or all of the children did not bring their Chore List, express your disappointment. Let them know that you are taking a note of their behavior and that their failure to comply with your request makes a statement to you that they do not take what you are trying to do seriously. Let them know that there will be serious consequences for not taking what you are trying to do seriously.
□ Distribute the Chore Lists that you previously made up for each child. Also distribute the other children’s chore list so each child has a copy of what chores the other children are responsible for completing. Tell the children who completed the chore list that if they don’t see the Chores that they came up with already on their list, you will consider adding them. Note: Remember to thank the children who complied with your earlier request. Praise, praise, praise.
□ Instruct the children to look at their chore list. Explain to the children that EVERY Chore does not have to be done everyday. Make sure that they understand that there are certain Chores that have to be done everyday, like making the bed, taking a shower, putting dirty close in the hamper, but there are other Chores that only have to be done only on certain days.
□ Instruct the children to look at the boxes on the Chore Chart containing an asterisk (*). Tell them that asterisk indicates which days the chores have to be done. Note: explain to the children that each of them will have to take turns cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, loading and unloading the dishwasher, setting the table, etc. and that the chores have been designed to be age appropriate. Allow the children to ask questions. Do not explain the Rewards system yet.
□ Ask the oldest child to go through his/her Chore Chart, starting with the Morning Chores, then the Afternoon and Evening Chores. Ask the child if they understand what Chores they are responsible for performing.
□ Ask the child if there are any chores on the list that the child feels he/she is incapable of doing. If a child says “yes,” tell them that you will provide the necessary training that they need to complete the chore. Note: refer to the blog article "Pick age appropriate Chores."
□ Repeat steps 19 & 20 with the other children.
□ Explain to the children that it is NOT your intention to make them work night and day around the house. Let them know that everyone MUST contribute to keep the house orderly.
□ Tell the children know that you have developed a rewards system to reward them for completing their chores and for following the House Rules. Explain that at the end of each day, you are going to go down the Chore Chart with each of them. You can do this with one child while the other children are present and watching to discourage lying about completing Chores and following House Rules. Tell them that if they say, “Yes” that they complete the chore, you will change the asterisk to a STAR and if they say “No” that they forgot or didn’t do it, that you will change the asterisk to an X. Let them know that you will put an N/A in the box if they were unable to complete their chores through no fault of their own, eg. Basketball practice, dance, afterschool activity, etc. Let them know that if they get STARS for every asterisk listed in the Chores section, they will receive a 1 STAR Coupon for that day for completing all of their Chores.
□ Tell the children that you will then ask them whether or not they abided by all of the House Rules during that day. Let them know that you will change the asterisk a star if they say “Yes” or change the asterisk to an X if they say “No.” Let them know that if they followed all of the House Rules, they will receive a 1 STAR Coupon for that day for following the House Rules. Note: Do not let your children get away with lying. If they did not do what you asked them to do, e.g. completing their assigned Chores and following the House Rules they should not be rewarded with a 1 STAR Coupon. DO NOT give in to their whining.
□ Explain the “Warning” system. Tell the children that you want to give them a chance to succeed, so you will allow some time for them to learn this new system. Tell them that for the FIRST WEEK, you will allow them up to three warnings a day so they can get used to how the system works. Let them know that in order to earn a 1 STAR Coupon for following the House Rules, they must not have received TWO warnings for the same bad behavior. For example, the child can be warned once to make his bed, once to clean up his dishes and once to stop running in the house and still earn a 1 STAR Coupon for that day. However, if the child is warned twice in one day to stop running in the house, he/she blew his/her chances of getting a 1 STAR Coupon for that day.
□ Explain that in the second week, the “Warning” system will be less forgiving. Let the children know that in the second week, they will only be allowed TWO warnings. Again, if the child is warned for the same behavior twice, the child can not earn a 1 STAR Coupon for following the House Rules.
□ Explain that in the third and subsequent weeks, the child will only be allowed 1 warning per day. Ask the children if they have any questions about the Warning system or what it takes to earn a 1 STAR Coupon for following the House Rules. This should really be crystal clear for both the parents and the children at this point. Note: If your children have become accustomed to having you yell at them 4-5 times before they make you mad enough that they feel that they have to stop their bad behavior or before they feel they will get in trouble if they don’t go and do what you are asking them to do, the warning system may not work. In this case, you may have to go to an “Official Warning” system. When you notice a bad behavior, first say, “you better stop that or you are going to get an “Official Warning.” This serves as a type of pre-warning. If they don’t stop, then you MUST give them an “Official Warning.” There should be no 4th and 5th chances. This is the behavior that you are trying to modify! This “Official Warning” then counts against them. Do not give another “pre-warning” if the behavior continues or reoccurs again the same day, they must suffer the consequences by not receiving a reward. Remember, if the child receives “two Official Warnings” for the same behavior in a day, he/she is NOT ENTITLED to earn a 1 STAR Coupon because he/she has violated the House Rules. Use “pre-warnings” sparingly. Your children must realize that they must STOP when you say STOP. Your children must realize that when you say Go Do Something, that you mean business. You should not have to tell your children to STOP doing something four or five times before you get them to STOP. You should also not have to tell your children to GO AND DO SOMETHING four or five times before you get them to GO AND DO IT.
□ Show the children the sheet of 1 STAR Certificates. Tell the children that they must complete the entire sheet to be eligible for a reward. This means that they must receive 5-1 STAR Coupons for following the HOUSE RULES and 5-1 STAR Coupons for completing all of their CHORES. They can not use 1 STAR Chore Coupons to make up for losing a 1 STAR House Rules Coupon and vice versa, they will just have to wait until they complete an entire sheet, even if it takes an extra day or so. Eventually, your kids will learn the new Coupon/Certificate system and earn a reward. Do not be in a hurry to give a Coupons/Certificates if their behaviors have not changed. Children are NOT ALLOWED to beg you if they do not earn Coupon/Certificate. Children are NOT ALLOWED to use another child's Coupon to make up for a 1 STAR Coupon that they do not have or did not earn. Don’t start a bad precedent or the rewards system will not work.
□ Ask each child to name a reward that he/she would like to receive when the whole sheet of 1 STAR Coupons is complete (10 Total). Keep the reward around $5 in value. Now show the children the page of 10, 20 and 60 STAR Certificates. Tell the children that when they complete a page of 1 STAR Coupons, they can trade that page in for a 10 STAR Coupons (Large Certificate) and get a Reward ($5 value)……but, that they can also choose to WAIT (delay gratification) to get an even bigger reward by filling up another sheet of 1 STAR Coupons. (TOTAL OF 20) You can make this reward worth $12-15. Don’t go over-board with the rewards! Kids do not “NEED” to have more “STUFF.” They might want stuff, but they don’t need it, especially when parents pay for everything else anyway. Try to set aside "special time" with the kids as a reward instead of giving them "stuff." This can include going for ice cream, going to a movie, etc. Remember, this 1 Star Coupon/Certificate system teaches kids a similar concept to saving money. They use 1 STAR Coupon in the same way they use money. They can cash 10-1 STAR Coupons in for a small reward or they can wait and cash 20-1 STAR Coupons in for a larger reward. You can let them decide.
□ Now show the kids the 60 STAR Certificate. Tell them that at the end of each day, if they ALL EARN a 1 STAR Certificate for following the House Rules, you will put a separate 1 STAR HOUSE RULES Coupons into a jar. And, when they ALL EARN a 1 STAR Coupon for completing all of their Chores, you will put a 1 STAR CHORE Coupon into the jar. Tell them that when they reach a combined total of 60-1 STAR Coupons (30-1 STAR Coupons for House Rules/30-1 STAR Coupons for Chores) that there will be a FAMILY REWARD. Tell them that you are doing this to encourage each of them to help each other. This includes helping each other with chores and reminding one another to stay on track with their behavior. This reward should be worth about $50. Remember 30-1 STAR Coupons must be for following House Rules and another 30 must be for completing Chores. Ask the children what type of family reward they would like, for example, a video game, going to a movie, etc. DO NOT do any FUN Family activities with your children (movies, bowling, restaurants, etc) until your children’s behavior starts to improve and until you sense that they really appreciate it. This will take some time, but it will happen. Note: You will start to notice that your children will start saying things like, “Go do what Mom says,” and/or the older one will kick the younger one under the table when the younger one starts to misbehave. That’s when you know its working!
□ Discuss the “Do Over.” Typically, children will ask if there is anything that they can do to redeem themselves if they blow their chances of getting a 1 STAR Coupons for the day, either for violating the House Rules or for not completing a particular Chore. Since a 1 STAR Coupons is equal to a whole day of completing Chores and following the House Rules, let them know that it is possible, but the tasks that you will assign them to make up for them losing a Coupon will not be easy tasks. These tasks should be hard labor and should take approximately 4 hours. They can be assigned anytime/anyday to make up for a previous day’s lost 1 STAR Coupon. For example, cleaning the garage, cleaning out the cabinets and the fridge, scrubbing the floors, bathtubs and toilets. In other words, if a child is willing to do hard labor for 4 hours……give him/her a certificate after they complete the task. Only award the extra (Jar) 1 STAR Coupon if rest of the children pitch in to help that child with the “Do Over.”
□ Discuss Extra Rewards. Tell the children that you are not only going to be looking out for bad behavior, but good behavior too. Let them know that when you see them do something good or act in a manner that makes you feel proud, you will let them know about it and if you seem them consistently do something or act a certain way, you will reinforce that “good behavior” by giving them a special reward. This extra reward is completely discretionary. Purchase a special treasure chest or basket and stuff it with goodies that they could pick from on these occasions when you are going to give them an extra or “special reward.” Tell them that it is your hope that this extra reward will encourage them to do MORE than is on their Chore Chart. Tell them that you will only give them a special/extra reward when you notice that they are CONSISTENTLY doing other Chores not on their Chore Chart or if they are really being good by reminding their siblings to behave appropriately. Do not give a special reward out for ONE RANDOM ACT of kindness. Only give a special or extra reward for consistent or special behavior. Keep the treasure chest prizes at a $1-3 value. Remember, don’t go overboard. You can purchase these prizes from the dollar store or you can give a giant candy bar or a gift card. Remember, it is not the prize that is the reward; it is your acknowledgement that you are proud of them for exhibiting good behavior.
□ End the meeting by having a final Q&A Session. Note: Make sure that you tell your children that this system is new to you too and that you may also make mistakes. Reinforce that you will do your best to be fair and to treat each one of them equally.
If you stay consistent with your children and follow this system you WILL change your children’s behavior!
CHECKLIST - For A Successful Rewards System Launch
Pre Launch
□ Advise the children that a family meeting will take place after dinner
□ Ask all of the children to come up with a list of chores they feel they are capable of performing and instruct them to write them down and bring them to the family meeting.
□ Print out a copy of Building Character: Why Parenting Is Important (Blog Article), What Kids Must Realize (Blog Article) The House Rules (Blog Article) and the Chore Charts that you customized for your children so you can distribute them to each child during the family meeting. Note: Print out enough copies so that each child and parent has a complete set of each document. Make sure that each child has a copy of the other children’s Chore Charts.
Launch
□ Have all family members sit facing each other. Mom and Dad should be sitting together showing a united front. Kids should be sitting across from Mom and Dad.
□ Start the family meeting by handing out copies the "Building Character: Why Parenting Is Important" blog article, the "What Kids Must Realize" blog article and the "House Rules" blog article to each parent and each child. DO NOT distribute the Chore Charts yet.
□ Inform the children that you want them to take turns reading the documents that you have prepared. Have the older children take turns reading if some of the younger children can't read or are just learning how to read. If your children are too young to read, then you may have to modify the articles to make them shorter and to use language the children will understand.
□ Have one child start reading the section on “Building Character: Why Parenting Is Important.”
□ After the child has finished reading, ask the children if they understand what was just read. Have a Q & A session if necessary. Note: You MUST drive the point home that you are not establishing the House Rules and Chores to be mean, but that you feel that it is something that you MUST DO to be a responsible and loving parent. Explain to the children that a good parent helps shape their children’s behavior and that the primary reason that you are doing this now, is because you have noticed that the children are exhibiting a lot of behavior that need shaping/changing.
□ Have a different child read the second section entitled “What Kids Must Realize” Keep in Mind that this section usually evokes a negative reaction in children because children want to feel that they are equal to adults. Remember, the emphasis here should be that children are NOT equal to adults. Adults have authority over children, not the other way around! Note: Every time you let your child “get away” with bad behavior without verbally informing him/her that their actions are inappropriate and every time you fail to follow through on disciplining your child for behaving improperly, you are reinforcing the bad behavior that you are trying to discourage. Children will pretend that they don’t understand this, but they do. You MUST explain to your children that you are making these changes because you want them to understand that all actions, inactions and behaviors have consequences. For example, if they forget their school book, they can’t finish their homework. If they don’t finish their homework, they get a failing grade, etc. Let your children know that FROM NOW ON, you are going to be actively involved in monitoring their behavior, which includes watching for what they are doing WRONG so you can punish them, as well as, watching for what they are doing RIGHT, so you can praise them. Remember, positive reinforcement or praise is just as important as punishment in changing and reshaping a child’s behavior. Have a Q &A if necessary. These points MUST be clearly understood by both parents and children in order for this to work.
□ Move on to "The House Rules." Have the children take turns reading the Rule and Reason for the Rule. Once the child is done reading, ask all of the children if they understand the Rule and why the Rule is necessary. Note: If the children do not understand the purpose of the Rule, reinforce the Reason for the Rule by giving another example or scenario. Remember, the Rules are NOT up for debate. Children DO NOT make the House Rules, parents do! Children do not get to pick and choose which Rules to follow. Children need to realize that are fully capable of doing many things on their own. They must realize that having responsibility will only help them to be more self-reliant.
□ Explain to the Children that you have also fallen into a bad pattern of behavior. Tell the children that you are aware that, in the past, you have warned them and threatened to punish them, but have been inconsistent with actually following through on your threats. Let them know that this lack of consistency on your part has resulted in them not taking what you say seriously. Let them know that this STOPS NOW. Note: Keep in mind that “Warnings and Threats” are meaningless to children if parents rarely follow through on actually doling out the discipline that they threaten their children with. Remember that when you fail to act, you fail to shape behavior. For example, if your child continues an activity or behavior for many minutes after he/she is told to stop, the child’s failure to stop is actually stating non-verbally that, “I hear you, but I know I don’t have to stop because I know you won’t punish me because you never follow through on your threats even after you give me a warning.”
□ Explain to the children that you are no longer going to allow them to “keep asking” until they get the answer they want. For example, let them know that if they want something and they ask Mom and Mom says, “No,” then they shouldn’t ask Dad in the hopes that Dad will say “Yes.” Tell them that the general rule FROM NOW ON is going to be “If you ask Mom and Mom says “No,” assume its “NO.” Note: Don’t allow children to get away with pitting one parent against the other. Never disagree about discipline in front of your children. One parent should never overrule the other parent. If parents disagree on what type of discipline is appropriate, they should try to reach an agreement. If one parent thinks that the discipline is too harsh, the discipline can always be changed later after an agreement between the parents is reached. Never let children think that they were instrumental in getting a discipline changed by pitting one parent against the other. Do not allow your children to manipulate you! Also, remember that it is extremely important that each parent should take turns being the bad guy. For this to work properly, it is critical that both parents are equally responsible for doling out punishment, as well as, praise.
□ After your children are finished reading the last Rule and Reason, ask them if there is anything that needs clarification. Ask the children if they understand what you are trying to implement and why these changes are needed. Inform them that you value their input and are willing to hear their suggestions, but you are NOT going to change your mind and that you are going to follow through with this new system.
□ Listen to your children’s feedback. Address their issues and go over whatever points are needed to get your message across.
□ Have each child read the statement that is above the signature line. Use one signature page for all the children.
□ Inform the children that each parent will also sign the signature page. Explain to them that this is a family agreement and that you also have also have a responsibility to follow through. Tell them that your job is to make sure that you recognize and reward good behavior and that you punish and discourage bad behavior.
□ Tell the kids that the House Rules will be posted on the fridge or some other place where everyone can see, including friends and family that comes over to visit. Let the children know that they are responsible for making sure that their friends know about the House Rules. Tell them that friends who choose to ignore the House Rules will be sent home. Note: Make sure the children understand that they can not use “I forgot” as an excuse for breaking the House Rules. Tell them that the reason that you are requiring them to sign the document is so there is no confusion about what type of behavior is expected from them or their friends.
□ Explain that your hope is that the whole family can be more cooperative with each other. Let the children know that in order to do this, you have divide up the household chores and gave each of them a list of daily responsibilities. Explain that the Chore Chart is separate from the House Rules. Let them know that you have tried your best to make the Chore Charts fair and that each child will have different Chores, depending on their age and capabilities. Ask the children if they thought more about the kinds of chores that they believed they were capable of doing. (Remember, you asked them to think about this earlier in the day, to write the chores down and to bring their chore lists to the family meeting.) Collect the Chore Lists from the children. Note: If some or all of the children did not bring their Chore List, express your disappointment. Let them know that you are taking a note of their behavior and that their failure to comply with your request makes a statement to you that they do not take what you are trying to do seriously. Let them know that there will be serious consequences for not taking what you are trying to do seriously.
□ Distribute the Chore Lists that you previously made up for each child. Also distribute the other children’s chore list so each child has a copy of what chores the other children are responsible for completing. Tell the children who completed the chore list that if they don’t see the Chores that they came up with already on their list, you will consider adding them. Note: Remember to thank the children who complied with your earlier request. Praise, praise, praise.
□ Instruct the children to look at their chore list. Explain to the children that EVERY Chore does not have to be done everyday. Make sure that they understand that there are certain Chores that have to be done everyday, like making the bed, taking a shower, putting dirty close in the hamper, but there are other Chores that only have to be done only on certain days.
□ Instruct the children to look at the boxes on the Chore Chart containing an asterisk (*). Tell them that asterisk indicates which days the chores have to be done. Note: explain to the children that each of them will have to take turns cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, loading and unloading the dishwasher, setting the table, etc. and that the chores have been designed to be age appropriate. Allow the children to ask questions. Do not explain the Rewards system yet.
□ Ask the oldest child to go through his/her Chore Chart, starting with the Morning Chores, then the Afternoon and Evening Chores. Ask the child if they understand what Chores they are responsible for performing.
□ Ask the child if there are any chores on the list that the child feels he/she is incapable of doing. If a child says “yes,” tell them that you will provide the necessary training that they need to complete the chore. Note: refer to the blog article "Pick age appropriate Chores."
□ Repeat steps 19 & 20 with the other children.
□ Explain to the children that it is NOT your intention to make them work night and day around the house. Let them know that everyone MUST contribute to keep the house orderly.
□ Tell the children know that you have developed a rewards system to reward them for completing their chores and for following the House Rules. Explain that at the end of each day, you are going to go down the Chore Chart with each of them. You can do this with one child while the other children are present and watching to discourage lying about completing Chores and following House Rules. Tell them that if they say, “Yes” that they complete the chore, you will change the asterisk to a STAR and if they say “No” that they forgot or didn’t do it, that you will change the asterisk to an X. Let them know that you will put an N/A in the box if they were unable to complete their chores through no fault of their own, eg. Basketball practice, dance, afterschool activity, etc. Let them know that if they get STARS for every asterisk listed in the Chores section, they will receive a 1 STAR Coupon for that day for completing all of their Chores.
□ Tell the children that you will then ask them whether or not they abided by all of the House Rules during that day. Let them know that you will change the asterisk a star if they say “Yes” or change the asterisk to an X if they say “No.” Let them know that if they followed all of the House Rules, they will receive a 1 STAR Coupon for that day for following the House Rules. Note: Do not let your children get away with lying. If they did not do what you asked them to do, e.g. completing their assigned Chores and following the House Rules they should not be rewarded with a 1 STAR Coupon. DO NOT give in to their whining.
□ Explain the “Warning” system. Tell the children that you want to give them a chance to succeed, so you will allow some time for them to learn this new system. Tell them that for the FIRST WEEK, you will allow them up to three warnings a day so they can get used to how the system works. Let them know that in order to earn a 1 STAR Coupon for following the House Rules, they must not have received TWO warnings for the same bad behavior. For example, the child can be warned once to make his bed, once to clean up his dishes and once to stop running in the house and still earn a 1 STAR Coupon for that day. However, if the child is warned twice in one day to stop running in the house, he/she blew his/her chances of getting a 1 STAR Coupon for that day.
□ Explain that in the second week, the “Warning” system will be less forgiving. Let the children know that in the second week, they will only be allowed TWO warnings. Again, if the child is warned for the same behavior twice, the child can not earn a 1 STAR Coupon for following the House Rules.
□ Explain that in the third and subsequent weeks, the child will only be allowed 1 warning per day. Ask the children if they have any questions about the Warning system or what it takes to earn a 1 STAR Coupon for following the House Rules. This should really be crystal clear for both the parents and the children at this point. Note: If your children have become accustomed to having you yell at them 4-5 times before they make you mad enough that they feel that they have to stop their bad behavior or before they feel they will get in trouble if they don’t go and do what you are asking them to do, the warning system may not work. In this case, you may have to go to an “Official Warning” system. When you notice a bad behavior, first say, “you better stop that or you are going to get an “Official Warning.” This serves as a type of pre-warning. If they don’t stop, then you MUST give them an “Official Warning.” There should be no 4th and 5th chances. This is the behavior that you are trying to modify! This “Official Warning” then counts against them. Do not give another “pre-warning” if the behavior continues or reoccurs again the same day, they must suffer the consequences by not receiving a reward. Remember, if the child receives “two Official Warnings” for the same behavior in a day, he/she is NOT ENTITLED to earn a 1 STAR Coupon because he/she has violated the House Rules. Use “pre-warnings” sparingly. Your children must realize that they must STOP when you say STOP. Your children must realize that when you say Go Do Something, that you mean business. You should not have to tell your children to STOP doing something four or five times before you get them to STOP. You should also not have to tell your children to GO AND DO SOMETHING four or five times before you get them to GO AND DO IT.
□ Show the children the sheet of 1 STAR Certificates. Tell the children that they must complete the entire sheet to be eligible for a reward. This means that they must receive 5-1 STAR Coupons for following the HOUSE RULES and 5-1 STAR Coupons for completing all of their CHORES. They can not use 1 STAR Chore Coupons to make up for losing a 1 STAR House Rules Coupon and vice versa, they will just have to wait until they complete an entire sheet, even if it takes an extra day or so. Eventually, your kids will learn the new Coupon/Certificate system and earn a reward. Do not be in a hurry to give a Coupons/Certificates if their behaviors have not changed. Children are NOT ALLOWED to beg you if they do not earn Coupon/Certificate. Children are NOT ALLOWED to use another child's Coupon to make up for a 1 STAR Coupon that they do not have or did not earn. Don’t start a bad precedent or the rewards system will not work.
□ Ask each child to name a reward that he/she would like to receive when the whole sheet of 1 STAR Coupons is complete (10 Total). Keep the reward around $5 in value. Now show the children the page of 10, 20 and 60 STAR Certificates. Tell the children that when they complete a page of 1 STAR Coupons, they can trade that page in for a 10 STAR Coupons (Large Certificate) and get a Reward ($5 value)……but, that they can also choose to WAIT (delay gratification) to get an even bigger reward by filling up another sheet of 1 STAR Coupons. (TOTAL OF 20) You can make this reward worth $12-15. Don’t go over-board with the rewards! Kids do not “NEED” to have more “STUFF.” They might want stuff, but they don’t need it, especially when parents pay for everything else anyway. Try to set aside "special time" with the kids as a reward instead of giving them "stuff." This can include going for ice cream, going to a movie, etc. Remember, this 1 Star Coupon/Certificate system teaches kids a similar concept to saving money. They use 1 STAR Coupon in the same way they use money. They can cash 10-1 STAR Coupons in for a small reward or they can wait and cash 20-1 STAR Coupons in for a larger reward. You can let them decide.
□ Now show the kids the 60 STAR Certificate. Tell them that at the end of each day, if they ALL EARN a 1 STAR Certificate for following the House Rules, you will put a separate 1 STAR HOUSE RULES Coupons into a jar. And, when they ALL EARN a 1 STAR Coupon for completing all of their Chores, you will put a 1 STAR CHORE Coupon into the jar. Tell them that when they reach a combined total of 60-1 STAR Coupons (30-1 STAR Coupons for House Rules/30-1 STAR Coupons for Chores) that there will be a FAMILY REWARD. Tell them that you are doing this to encourage each of them to help each other. This includes helping each other with chores and reminding one another to stay on track with their behavior. This reward should be worth about $50. Remember 30-1 STAR Coupons must be for following House Rules and another 30 must be for completing Chores. Ask the children what type of family reward they would like, for example, a video game, going to a movie, etc. DO NOT do any FUN Family activities with your children (movies, bowling, restaurants, etc) until your children’s behavior starts to improve and until you sense that they really appreciate it. This will take some time, but it will happen. Note: You will start to notice that your children will start saying things like, “Go do what Mom says,” and/or the older one will kick the younger one under the table when the younger one starts to misbehave. That’s when you know its working!
□ Discuss the “Do Over.” Typically, children will ask if there is anything that they can do to redeem themselves if they blow their chances of getting a 1 STAR Coupons for the day, either for violating the House Rules or for not completing a particular Chore. Since a 1 STAR Coupons is equal to a whole day of completing Chores and following the House Rules, let them know that it is possible, but the tasks that you will assign them to make up for them losing a Coupon will not be easy tasks. These tasks should be hard labor and should take approximately 4 hours. They can be assigned anytime/anyday to make up for a previous day’s lost 1 STAR Coupon. For example, cleaning the garage, cleaning out the cabinets and the fridge, scrubbing the floors, bathtubs and toilets. In other words, if a child is willing to do hard labor for 4 hours……give him/her a certificate after they complete the task. Only award the extra (Jar) 1 STAR Coupon if rest of the children pitch in to help that child with the “Do Over.”
□ Discuss Extra Rewards. Tell the children that you are not only going to be looking out for bad behavior, but good behavior too. Let them know that when you see them do something good or act in a manner that makes you feel proud, you will let them know about it and if you seem them consistently do something or act a certain way, you will reinforce that “good behavior” by giving them a special reward. This extra reward is completely discretionary. Purchase a special treasure chest or basket and stuff it with goodies that they could pick from on these occasions when you are going to give them an extra or “special reward.” Tell them that it is your hope that this extra reward will encourage them to do MORE than is on their Chore Chart. Tell them that you will only give them a special/extra reward when you notice that they are CONSISTENTLY doing other Chores not on their Chore Chart or if they are really being good by reminding their siblings to behave appropriately. Do not give a special reward out for ONE RANDOM ACT of kindness. Only give a special or extra reward for consistent or special behavior. Keep the treasure chest prizes at a $1-3 value. Remember, don’t go overboard. You can purchase these prizes from the dollar store or you can give a giant candy bar or a gift card. Remember, it is not the prize that is the reward; it is your acknowledgement that you are proud of them for exhibiting good behavior.
□ End the meeting by having a final Q&A Session. Note: Make sure that you tell your children that this system is new to you too and that you may also make mistakes. Reinforce that you will do your best to be fair and to treat each one of them equally.
If you stay consistent with your children and follow this system you WILL change your children’s behavior!
12 Chore Chart Tips For Success
12 Chore Chart Tips For Success
1. Be reasonable in your expectations. Research what chores your child may be capable of handling. Sometimes a chore is beyond a child’s ability level and sometimes a slight modification can help a child achieve success. Use age appropriate chores to include on your chore charts. If you want to teach your children to hang their clothes in their closets, make sure the clothing rod doesn’t need to be lowered to a more appropriate level. If you want the beds made neatly everyday, keep in mind that for young children, maneuvering a top sheet, duvet, quilt, and pillows can turn into a very big job. You may need to streamline or modify things in your home to make them more accessible to your children.
2. Be an example. If your children consistently see the grownups slacking off with their chores, chances are they will learn to do the same. Consider making a specific time of the day when most of the chores are performed. Everyone working together is much more motivating than someone slaving away while enviously listening to others laughing and playing.
3. Involve the kids in the process of selecting a chart. The more children feel they are involved in making decisions, the more they will feel ownership of those responsibilities. Consider holding a family council before implementing a new chore chart system. Allow some decisions to be made by the kids.
4. Consider your rewards.Are you going to make chores a requirement for an allowance? Are you going to allow chores to be done in exchange for other privileges? Is a sticker system the best fit for your family? Determine what reward system would best work with your family. Don’t forget to gently stress the obvious rewards of having a clean and organized home.
5. Make chore charts visual. Many children need a visual prop to help them completely understand new ideas. Making a chore chart or system visual can help them stay focused. Consider if people in your family have other learning tendencies. For example if you have a child who really needs to hear to understand. Consider reading the chores aloud to them. People who are tactile and kinetic learners may need to be able to physical cross off items on a list, or move completed cards from their flower pot, etc.
6. Have consequences without being harsh. If your children fail to complete their chores there have to be consequences. Sometimes the consequences are a natural occurrence. For example if your son always wears his favorite shirt on Fridays, but failed to collect all the laundry from his room, he’ll probably end up wearing a different shirt. Other times you may have to take away rewards, or other activities that are enjoyable. Don’t forget that many times we have extenuating circumstances that keeps us from performing a job well. Sometimes offering to help a child who has fallen behind can get them caught up without completely letting them off the hook.
7. Get organized before you expect everyone else too. If your home is in such disarray that nothing has its own place, it is very impractical to expect a child to put everything where it belongs. If your home and your systems of organization are a mess, chores will be a losing battle. First set up your home in a way that makes it possible for the family to complete chores. Try these beginning organizational articles for help in getting started.
8. Make sure there are breaks.All work and no play…well you know. Allow the kids to break up long chores. Surprise them by including fun activities in their chore charts. Slipping in a request for a swimming party among the regular chores can be very surprising and encourage children to actively check the charts.
9. Keep it interesting. Don’t feel locked into one system. If your kids get bored consider changing up the routine, the visuals, or possibly the rewards.
10. Supervise. Keeping an eye out for what is and isn’t getting done can help you determine what you can do to make the chore chart system more successful. Setting up chore charts doesn’t mean that the adult’s responsibility for delegated chores is completely gone. Like any good supervisor, parent’s must instead help make sure that the system is going smoothly. Due Date before dinner than before bed.
11. Train your workers. Most jobs require a training period and for many kids this can be helpful in a chore system. Parents often have expectations of how a job will be performed that can be different than their children’s. Teaching a child the process of a chore and what you expect from the finished result can go a long way in insuring success. Consider writing a short cleaning guide for certain chores or steps involved. Check out the fifteen minute cleanups for ideas.
12. Include homework and mandatory activities. Don’t forget that kids have other obligations besides chores. Make sure there is plenty of time for homework and other mandatory activities. If you see that a child is struggling under the weight of all they have to do, consider removing some responsibilities or activities to relieve the burden.
1. Be reasonable in your expectations. Research what chores your child may be capable of handling. Sometimes a chore is beyond a child’s ability level and sometimes a slight modification can help a child achieve success. Use age appropriate chores to include on your chore charts. If you want to teach your children to hang their clothes in their closets, make sure the clothing rod doesn’t need to be lowered to a more appropriate level. If you want the beds made neatly everyday, keep in mind that for young children, maneuvering a top sheet, duvet, quilt, and pillows can turn into a very big job. You may need to streamline or modify things in your home to make them more accessible to your children.
2. Be an example. If your children consistently see the grownups slacking off with their chores, chances are they will learn to do the same. Consider making a specific time of the day when most of the chores are performed. Everyone working together is much more motivating than someone slaving away while enviously listening to others laughing and playing.
3. Involve the kids in the process of selecting a chart. The more children feel they are involved in making decisions, the more they will feel ownership of those responsibilities. Consider holding a family council before implementing a new chore chart system. Allow some decisions to be made by the kids.
4. Consider your rewards.Are you going to make chores a requirement for an allowance? Are you going to allow chores to be done in exchange for other privileges? Is a sticker system the best fit for your family? Determine what reward system would best work with your family. Don’t forget to gently stress the obvious rewards of having a clean and organized home.
5. Make chore charts visual. Many children need a visual prop to help them completely understand new ideas. Making a chore chart or system visual can help them stay focused. Consider if people in your family have other learning tendencies. For example if you have a child who really needs to hear to understand. Consider reading the chores aloud to them. People who are tactile and kinetic learners may need to be able to physical cross off items on a list, or move completed cards from their flower pot, etc.
6. Have consequences without being harsh. If your children fail to complete their chores there have to be consequences. Sometimes the consequences are a natural occurrence. For example if your son always wears his favorite shirt on Fridays, but failed to collect all the laundry from his room, he’ll probably end up wearing a different shirt. Other times you may have to take away rewards, or other activities that are enjoyable. Don’t forget that many times we have extenuating circumstances that keeps us from performing a job well. Sometimes offering to help a child who has fallen behind can get them caught up without completely letting them off the hook.
7. Get organized before you expect everyone else too. If your home is in such disarray that nothing has its own place, it is very impractical to expect a child to put everything where it belongs. If your home and your systems of organization are a mess, chores will be a losing battle. First set up your home in a way that makes it possible for the family to complete chores. Try these beginning organizational articles for help in getting started.
8. Make sure there are breaks.All work and no play…well you know. Allow the kids to break up long chores. Surprise them by including fun activities in their chore charts. Slipping in a request for a swimming party among the regular chores can be very surprising and encourage children to actively check the charts.
9. Keep it interesting. Don’t feel locked into one system. If your kids get bored consider changing up the routine, the visuals, or possibly the rewards.
10. Supervise. Keeping an eye out for what is and isn’t getting done can help you determine what you can do to make the chore chart system more successful. Setting up chore charts doesn’t mean that the adult’s responsibility for delegated chores is completely gone. Like any good supervisor, parent’s must instead help make sure that the system is going smoothly. Due Date before dinner than before bed.
11. Train your workers. Most jobs require a training period and for many kids this can be helpful in a chore system. Parents often have expectations of how a job will be performed that can be different than their children’s. Teaching a child the process of a chore and what you expect from the finished result can go a long way in insuring success. Consider writing a short cleaning guide for certain chores or steps involved. Check out the fifteen minute cleanups for ideas.
12. Include homework and mandatory activities. Don’t forget that kids have other obligations besides chores. Make sure there is plenty of time for homework and other mandatory activities. If you see that a child is struggling under the weight of all they have to do, consider removing some responsibilities or activities to relieve the burden.
Create A Chore Chart: Teach Responsibility
Today's children expect parents to do everything for them -- including homework! How many times have your children asked you where their stuff is? Since when are parents responsible for keeping tabs on their children's Ipod? How many broken GameBoys and lost cell phones do parents have to replace before they realize that they have failed to teach their children responsibility?
Many "Baby Boomers" were never trained to be responsible and hence they have failed to teach this important characteristic to their children. As a result, children grow up without the important skills they need to succeed in a competitive world. So what would our homelife look like if parents actually took the time to teach children responsibility? Clean, happy and peaceful.
Today, responsible children are such a unique commodity in society. Responsible children are sought after for babysitting, lawn mowing, and other employment opportunities outside the home. Parents who have children who actively contribute to helping them run the household have more energy, because they are doing less tasks that now are being done by their children.
Home runs more smoothly with less stress and parents will be more likely to consider the option of having a larger family.
Responsibility should be taught at an early age. There are tasks which teach responsibility that even an infant can accomplish. What follows is a list responsibilities -- tasks which teach our children to be responsible, productive, and helpful. Take look at the list. Are your children learning responsibility in your home? (The following list is cumulative, that is, each age level should include the responsibilities prior to it.)
9 - 24 months
Many "Baby Boomers" were never trained to be responsible and hence they have failed to teach this important characteristic to their children. As a result, children grow up without the important skills they need to succeed in a competitive world. So what would our homelife look like if parents actually took the time to teach children responsibility? Clean, happy and peaceful.
Today, responsible children are such a unique commodity in society. Responsible children are sought after for babysitting, lawn mowing, and other employment opportunities outside the home. Parents who have children who actively contribute to helping them run the household have more energy, because they are doing less tasks that now are being done by their children.
Home runs more smoothly with less stress and parents will be more likely to consider the option of having a larger family.
Responsibility should be taught at an early age. There are tasks which teach responsibility that even an infant can accomplish. What follows is a list responsibilities -- tasks which teach our children to be responsible, productive, and helpful. Take look at the list. Are your children learning responsibility in your home? (The following list is cumulative, that is, each age level should include the responsibilities prior to it.)
9 - 24 months
- Putting dirty clothes in hamper.
- "Helping" with grocery shopping (putting items in basket and on check-out counter, handing things to mom to be put away at home.)
- Cleaning with mom (give child a dust rag, child size broom, empty spray can/Windex bottle for "pretend" cleaning).
- Watering plants (with pre-measured amounts!).
- Beginning to help make beds - (begins with handing the pillows to mom until later).
Yard work (helping collect trash and toys, etc.). - Simple errands ("bring the diaper to mommy, please," etc.).
2 - 3 years
- As language develops, requiring politeness on a regular basis ("Yes ma'am", "No sir", "May I please be excused", greeting, etc.).
- Generally including child in every-day activities on a regular basis (cleaning, shopping, etc.).
- More complicated errands ("Take this towel and put it in the hamper", etc.).
Laundry (beginning to help with sorting by mom handing him things to put in appropriate piles, transferring clothes from dryer to basket, etc.). - Learning more specific neatness qualities (putting toys in proper spots).
- Taking his dishes to the sink and helping to clear table.
- Carrying groceries in from car (give child one light item or a small bag).
- General errands (carrying diaper bag into meeting, carrying mom's purse to the car, etc.).
Simple decision-making ("Would you like juice or milk to drink?"). - Put books and magazines in a rack.
- Place napkins, plates, and silverware on the table.
- Clean up what they drop after eating.
- Toilet training.
3 -4 years
- Making bed (begins with watching mom -- mom helping child -- mom watching child) standards must be clear and reminders frequent.
- Keeping room neat and taking daily responsibility for it.
Regular morning routine becoming established (getting dressed, cleaning room before breakfast). - More complex decision-making ("Would you like to wear the blue or green pants?").
- Becoming "other-oriented" (drawing pictures for someone, making encouragement notes to dictate to mom, thank you notes for birthday gifts).
- Learning to use the telephone properly.
Established and regular responsibilities (bedroom, getting the mail, emptying bathroom trash cans, etc.). - Helping wash the car.
- Simple hygiene - brush teeth, wash and dry hands and face, and brush hair.
- Undress self - dress with some help.
- Carry boxed or canned goods from the grocery sacks to the proper shelf.
4 - 5 years
- Taking his laundry to designated place on laundry day.
- Sorting laundry with supervision.
- Begin learning to fold laundry and put it away.
- Hang socks, handkerchiefs, and washcloths on a low line.
- Vacuuming/sweeping.
- Cleaning table after meals.
- Helping with meal preparations (learning to measure, stir and use small appliances).
- Spread butter on sandwiches.
- Prepare cold cereal.
- Help mother prepare plates of food for the family dinner.
- Make a simple dessert (add topping to cupcakes, pour the toppings on ice cream).
- Hold the hand mixer to whip potatoes or mix up a cake.
- Setting the table.
- Taking out the trash.
- Helping make decisions about meal choices, outings, time with friends, etc.
- Carrying groceries in from the car and putting them away.
- Help with grocery shopping and compiling a grocery list.
- Polish shoes and clean up afterwards.
- Follow a schedule for feeding pets.
- Help do the dishes or fill the dishwasher.
- Dust the furniture.
- Share toys with friends (practice courtesy).
- Tell parent his whereabouts before going out to play.
- Play without constant adult supervision and attention.
- Polish silver.
- Polish car.
- Sharpen pencils.
5 - 6 years
- Unsupervised responsibilities (making bed, washing out trash cans, etc.).
- More complicated meal preparations (making frozen juice, toast, scrambling eggs, cutting with blunt knife, baking).
- Make own sandwich or simple breakfast, then clean up.
- Pour own drink.
- Prepare the dinner table.
- Tear up lettuce for the salad.
- Helping with younger siblings (changing diapers, helping with bath, bottle feeding, entertaining while mom is out of the room, feeding/dressing toddler siblings).
- Laundry (sorting, learning to use the washer/dryer, measuring detergent,fold clean clothes and put them away.).
- Cleaning (using cleaning supplies properly, cleaning unsupervised areas like bathtub or polishing furniture, clean mirrors and windows).
- Sons -- carrying "heavy" things for mom and helping with yard work.
- By this time child will begin to carry out responsibilities unasked and begin to offer help in areas parents don't require help in.
- Make bed and clean room.
- Dress on own and choose outfit for the day.
- Learn to tie shoes.
- Answer the telephone and begin to dial the phone.
- Yard work.
- Pay for small purchases.
- Help clean out the car.
- Take out the garbage.
- Decide how he wants to spend his share of the family entertainment fund.
- Feed his pets and clean the living area.
6 - 7 years
- Simple meals prepared (making sandwiches for lunch, preparing drinks, fixing breakfast for mom and dad, preparing salad for dinner, peel vegetables).
- Regular quiet time becoming a part of daily routine.
- Totally unsupervised laundry responsibilities when needed.
- Increased responsibilities for younger siblings (dressing infants/toddlers, entertaining them for longer periods by reading to them/playing records, etc., helping school them).
- Learning the purpose and beginning usage of tools (lawn mower, hand tools, etc.) and helping with home maintenance.
- Shake rugs.
- Water plants and flowers.
- Prepare own school lunch.
- Help hang clothes on the clothesline.
- Hang up own clothes in the closet.
- Gather wood for the fireplace.
- Rake leaves and weed.
- Tie own shoes.
- Care for his own minor injuries.
- Keep the garbage container clean.
- Clean out inside of car.
- Straighten or clean out silverware drawer.
- Oil and care for bike.
- Take phone messages.
- Run errands for parents.
- Sweep and wash patio area.
- Water the lawn.
- Wash dog or cat.
- Train pets.
- Take pet for walk.
- Carry in the grocery sacks.
- Get self up in the morning and go to bed at night on own.
- Learn to be polite, courteous, and to share; respect others.
- Carry own lunch money and notes back to school.
- Leave the bathroom in order.
- Do simple ironing.
8 - 10 years
- Complete responsibility for their rooms on a daily basis (bed making, dresser drawers, closet, vacuuming, etc.).
- Unsupervised yard work (i.e., lawn mowing, edging, clean-up, gardening).
- More complex meal preparations (pour and make tea, coffee, and instant drinks, using sharp instruments, baking, using appliances, beginning meal planning).
- More difficult cleaning projects (scrubbing kitchen floor, windows, cleaning appliances).
Summer jobs (lawn mowing, dog sitting, babysitting, odd jobs for vacationers). - Financial planning (computing percentages for saving, tithing, offerings, gift-giving and assuming responsibility with parental oversight).
- Beginning car maintenance (helping dad with minor repairs, learning tool usage, washing/waxing).
- Help rearrange furniture. Help plan the layout.
- Run own bathwater.
- Help others with their work when asked.
- Shop for and select own clothing and shoes with parent.
- Change school clothes without being told.
- Fold blankets.
- Sew buttons and sew rips in seams.
- Clean storage room.
- Clean up animal "messes" in the yard and house.
- Cut flowers and make a centerpiece.
- Pick fruit off trees.
- Build a campfire, get items ready to cook out (charcoal, hamburgers).
- Paint fence or shelves.
- Help write simple letters.
- Write thank-you notes.
- Help with defrosting and cleaning the refrigerator.
- Feed the baby.
- Polish silverware, copper, or brass items.
- Clean patio furniture.
- Wax living room furniture.
- Change sheets and put dirty sheets in hamper.
- Buy groceries using a list and comparative shopping.
- Cross streets unassisted.
- Keep own appointments.
- Receive and answer own mail.
- Wait on guests.
- Plan own birthday.
- Simple first aid.
Do neighborhood chores. - Sew, knit, or weave (even using a sewing machine).
- Do chores without a reminder.
- Learn banking and to be thrifty and trustworthy.
- Handle sums of money up to $5.00.
- Be alone at home for short periods.
Take the city bus to selected destinations. - Proper conduct when staying overnight with a friend. Pack own suitcase.
- Responsible for personal hobby.
- Handle self properly when in public places alone or with peers.
11 - 12 years
- Join outside organizations, do assignments, and attend. Able to take responsibility as a leader.
- Put siblings to bed and dress them.
- Clean pool and pool area.
- Respect others' property.
- Run own errands.
- Mow lawn with supervision.
- Help Father build things and do family errands.
- Schedule himself time for studies.
- Buy own sweets or treats.
- Responsible for a paper route.
- Check and add oil to car under supervision.
13 - 15 years
- Determine how late he should stay up during the week. Also determine how late he should be out for evening gatherings (through mutual parent-child discussion and agreement).
Responsibility for preparing family meals. - Social awareness: good health, exercise, necessary rest, correct weight, nutritious food, physical examinations.
- Anticipate the needs of others and initiate the appropriate action.
- Acceptance of capabilities and limitations.
- Self-respect or individual worth.
- Responsibility for one's decision.
- Mutual respect, loyalty, and honesty in the family.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
House Rules: Changing Behavior Forever
House Rules are critical to shaping or reshaping your children's behavior. House Rules set clear guidelines which inform children how they are suppose to act so there is little ambiguity regarding what is and isn't acceptable behavior. Below is a good example of a comprehensive set of House Rules. Each family should customize their own set of House Rules.
House Rules
1. I will not use profanity, cuss words or vulgarity. I will not make mean comments about others. I will not pick on or bully others. I will not make racist comments, slurs, use derogatory slang or make fun of others. I will not say rude, disrespectful, mean or hurtful things and then say “just kidding,” “no offense” or something similar. When I am corrected, I will immediately apologize to the person or persons that I offended. I will look the person I offended in the eye and make an effort to make a sincere apology. I will acknowledge how my comments or actions likely made the person(s) feel. I will watch my tone and body language at all times when speaking to others, especially adults. When I communicate with others, I will establish eye contact and pay close attention to what is being said. I will be sincere and truthful. I will accept constructive criticism and I will make an effort to learn from my mistakes.
Reason: Using profanity, making racial and rude comments and saying mean things about other people is unkind and disrespectful. Although your family and friends may cut you some slack, vulgarities, racial slurs, meanness and bullying will not be tolerated in school or by employers and may result in you being suspended from school or being fired from your job. Swearing is offensive to many people, and if you do it often enough, it may become a bad habit that is hard to break. Racist comments are never appropriate. Comments and behavior that pokes fun of others because of; the way they look, their nationality, their religion, their sexual orientation, the type of clothes they wear, where they live, where they go to school, how much money they have or make, etc., is mean-spirited, ignorant and disrespectful. When you make fun of others, people will view you as the type of person that believes that they are better than everyone else. Making fun of people is cruel and unkind. This type of behavior can hurt people’s feelings and damage their self-esteem. Children who are bullied often develop severe psychological issues which may lead to depression, suicide or violent behavior. Remember, 80% of what you communicate to other people is through your tone of your voice, body language, facial expressions and eye contact. If you do not look people in the eye when you are speaking to them, you can be perceived as dishonest, insincere and untrustworthy. Learning how to effectively communicate both verbally and non-verbally are important skills for you to learn. Mastering these skills will help you succeed in every aspect of your life. Children should expect their parents to offer them constructive criticism. Constructive criticism helps parents shape the behavior of their children.
Reason: Polite and courteous behavior is necessary to excel at home, school, and at work. No one likes to be around someone is unfriendly or looks like they are mad at the world. Only people that are insecure about themselves feel the need to put down others. You should never put down others to go along with the crowd or to feel better about yourself. A friendly, positive and courteous attitude is needed to succeed at everything in life. A smile is always better than a frown.
3. If I make a mess then I will clean it up and return it to the way I found it (unless a parent gives permission to clean up later). Messes in the kitchen, bathroom or other family living area will be cleaned up and toys/games/belongings will be put away when I am finished using them. I will make sure my room is straightened up and that my bed is made before I leave for school in the morning. I will remember to clean up my room at night and put my belongings away before I go to bed.
Reason: No one should be responsible for cleaning up after you. If you are messy and disorganized you may give others the impression that your life is chaotic and out of control. Your parents, siblings, co-workers, roommates and spouse will come to resent you if they have to constantly clean-up after you. Employers expect you to be neat and organized. You will be required to clean up after yourself at work, so you should get into the habit of cleaning up after yourself at home.
4. I will not scream, yell, stomp upstairs, slam doors, bang things, throw things or hit, shove, push, bite, pull hair, pinch, etc. others.
Reason: You are expected to exercise self-control. These types of behaviors make you look childish. Acting out in this manner will only add to your own frustration and may result in hurting and upsetting those around you. Yelling, hitting, slamming doors, stomping around the house, etc., won’t help you get your way and will, most likely, only get you into even more trouble. Throughout your life-time, you will be constantly judged by your conduct. People will also judge you by how you act and by how your friends act. In life, good behavior is often rewarded and bad behavior is punished. Employees can be suspended, reprimanded or fired for inappropriate behavior. Destructive and violent behavior may also lead to crimes which can have servere punishment which may include fines or time in jail.
5. I will ask before I borrow or take something that belongs to others. Borrowed items will be returned to the proper place and in good condition.
Reason: No one likes to just have their belongings taken. By not asking someone if you can borrow their belongings, you are being very inconsiderate, selfish and self-centered. Family, friends and co-workers will lose trust in you and eventually resent you if you consistently take their belongings without asking. No one will allow you to borrow any of their belongings again, in the future, if you don’t take good care of them or if you return the items back to the person that you borrowed them from, dirty or broken. Depending on whom you take things from without asking, you may be accused of stealing. Stealing is against the law and you may be reported to the police.
6. All family members will knock and wait for permission to enter a bedroom. Parents may enter after knocking without permission. Children’s bedroom doors will be unlocked at all times, unless someone is inside changing clothes. Children should be open and honest and should not keep secrets from their parents.
Reason: Parents are permitted to enter a room without permission because it is their house. Parents are responsible for keeping children safe. In order to ensure safety, parents need to know where their children are and what they are up to at all times. Children have no right to privacy as long as they are being cared for by their parents. Children should not keep secrets from their parents. There should be no behavior happening in a bedroom, besides changing clothes, that requires a bedroom door to be locked. Parents are allowed full access to any area of the house including their children’s rooms.
7. I will not get out of consequences for breaking house rules by pouting, acting like a victim, crying, being rude, angry or self-destructive.
Reason: You will not get out of trouble by pouting, begging, pleading, crying or acting out. This type of behavior is totally unacceptable and will probably cause you to get into even more trouble. Taking responsibility for your actions and suffering the consequences is an important part to building character. If there were no consequences for bad behavior, people could act any way they wanted and they could get away with doing mean and cruel things to each other without the fear of punishment. To keep a society orderly, rules are required. People are more orderly when there are rules. Rules help shape the behavior of people. When people know what is expected of them and what consequences they may face for bad behavior, they act more orderly. Rules, expected behaviors and consequences are necessary so we can all get along with each other in society.
8. If I am upset, depressed, angry or bothered I will take positive steps to deal with my feelings and problems. I will talk to my parents and/or share my feelings with other family members to improve communication and resolve problems.
Reason: Learning how to deal with your feelings in a calm and controlled manner is a necessary life skill. Learning how to talk through your problems and to communicate your feelings with family members will help deal with larger, more complex problems later in life. Taking positive steps to deal issues is always better than taking short-cuts, staying angry and cutting off communication with people who care about you. Your friends, family members, teachers, husband/wife, employer and co-workers will expect you to work through your problems and not take your problems out on other people. Employers will fire you if you can not leave your problems at home and come to work with a positive attitude. You and your spouse will probably fight if you don’t learn to share your feelings and communicate with one another. You may even get a divorce if you let your problems effect your relationship. Having poor communication, staying mad at the people who love you and ignoring you true feelings can also cause serious damage to your children.
9. I will complete my daily and/or weekly assigned chores as specified by my parents. I will not complain about doing my chores or other things that my parents ask me to do that are not on my chore list.
Reason: Every member of the family has certain chores to complete. Moms and Dads are responsible for making sure that the family has adequate food, shelter and clothing in addition to an endless list of other responsibilities. When everyone participates in the upkeep of the house, the household runs more smoothly. When chores and responsibilities are divided, one person does not always get stuck doing everything. When family members work together to complete household chores, there is more free time for everyone. The family will also have more quality time to spend together. Chores help you to learn how to manage your time and teach you how to prioritize your tasks. Chores help you prepare for adulthood because when you go to work you will be required to perform specific tasks for your employer. You do not get paid just showing up. You must do work to earn money, in the same way you complete chores to earn rewards.
10. I will complete my daily and weekly homework as specified by my teachers. Parent will monitor my progress to insure that I am receiving the education I need and is required by law.
Reason: Parents are teachers too. Their job is to teach life skills. These skills are equally, if not more important, than what your school teachers teach you. School teachers teach children things that help them to grow intellectually. Parents teach children important skills that help them to grow emotionally. Both skills are equally important. Parents have a legal responsibility to insure that their children attend school, are properly educated and complete their homework assignments on time and correctly. When you become and adult, you will need many skills to survive in a very competitive world.
11. I will attend family dinners and family activities unless excused by a parent. I will interact, be polite and respectful. I will not whine or complain about attending family events. I will ask to be excused before leaving the table or any family activity.
Reason: Social activities are an important part of life. Polite and courteous behavior is essential to developing relationships, cultivating friendships, establishing good business relationships and succeeding in life.
12. I will not demand, expect or assume that things will be done for me, given to me or bought for me. I will not pout, beg or cry when I do not get what I want. I will say please when I ask for something and thank you when things are done for me.
Reason: People who think that they should get rewarded for; doing absolutely nothing, doing very little, completing a job poorly or expecting others to do things for them that they are capable of doing themselves have a “sense of entitlement.” Children with a sense of entitlement are perceived as being spoiled, selfish, lazy and self-centered. In the workplace, adults who exhibit this type of behavior are referred to as “slackers.” Children with a sense of entitlement seem to be constantly whining about the things that they don’t have, when in reality, they actually have more than many other people. Children who do not often express gratitude by saying “Please” when they ask for things or “Thank you” when people do things for them, usually grow up to be selfish, self-centered adults. In life it is important for all of us to realize that there is a big difference between the things that we “want” and the things that we “need.” We don’t need designer Jeans from Hollister, we may “want” them, but we don’t “need” them. Jeans from Kmart will cover our butts just the same. There are many people in this world that do not have the basic necessities, like food, shelter and clothing. Many households only have one parent and some children are orphans and have no parents. We must learn to be grateful and appreciative for the things that we do have, as well as, for the people that we have in our life who love and care for us.
13. I will treat others with respect, kindness and compassion. I will think about how my behavior may affect others and how my behavior reflects on my parents. I will not argue with adults. I will not interrupt adults when they are speaking to each other or are on the telephone without saying, “excuse me.” I will respect the “adult time” my parents have together or with friends, whether it is watching a movie or talking on the patio. I will not interrupt “adult time” to ask my parents about unimportant matters or to ask their assistance in performing an activity that I am capable of doing myself.
Reason: When you become and adult, it will be important for you to spend time with other adults without constant interruption. Children must learn to have patience. Everything in life, including the attention of others won’t always come instantly. Children must learn that the world does not revolve around them and their needs. Self-reliance and exercising good judgment are essential skills for students, employees, friends, parents, spouses and businesses owners. Patience is a virtue. In life, you will have to wait for many things.
14. I will not interfere or interrupt my parents or another adult when my siblings or friends are being disciplined. I will not argue on their behalf or make excuses for their behavior. I will respect that parents, teachers and other adults have a right to correct and discipline children for bad behavior that they find offensive, loud, interrupting or inappropriate. I will not beg, plead or argue about the fairness of the discipline or punishment that is given out.
Reason: When guests are in our home, they must abide by our house rules. If your friends expect your parents to ignore their bad behavior, then they should come over to play. When children are in our home, they are under our care and are our responsibility. Arguing with your parents because they corrected your friend’s behavior will only get you in trouble and may get your friend(s) sent home. When you become an adult, you will be expected to exercise self-control and to abide by certain rules. As an employee, if you interfere when your boss is reprimanding another employee, you will probably get disciplined as well, and if this type of behavior continues, you will most likely get fired.
15. I will make wise and frugal decisions when it comes to spending the money that has been given to me by my parents, siblings or other adults. I will also make wise decisions regarding the money I earn on my own. I will save 1/3 of my money for emergencies or unplanned activities and for things I want to buy in the future. I will also volunteer some of my time or money to a worthwhile cause.
Reason: Money does not grow on trees. Parents have to work long hours to earn money. You must learn to be responsible with the money that is given to you and just as responsible with the money that you earn. When you are an adult, you will not get to keep all of the money that you earn. A percentage of your money will be taken by the federal government to help pay for the maintenance and building of schools & roads. It will also help pay for firemen & firewomen, policemen & policewomen & school teachers. Some of your money will also help pay to house, clothe, and feed those less fortunate that you. There is more happiness in giving than in receiving. Volunteering, donating money and time also builds character and can make a tremendous difference in the lives of others.
16. I will only eat meals and snacks at the kitchen table. I will not sneak food/candy or soda into the living room, bedroom or other areas of the house.
Reason: The kitchen is where food/drinks and snacks are normally consumed. If you just eat in the kitchen it helps keep the rest of the house clean for everyone to enjoy. Spills can damage furniture and carpets which parents may have to pay to have cleaned. You must ask for and receive parental permission before you take food and/or drinks into other areas of our home outside of the kitchen. When you become an adult, you will have to pay to furnish and carpet your home. Because you are responsible for paying for and replacing any items that are damaged or soiled, you can make your own rules on where you and family members eat and drink.
17. I will treat the furniture and other items around the house in a careful manner. I will not jump on or over furniture. I will not engage in horse play or play games in the house which can damage or break things.
Reason: Moms and Dads have to work long hours to afford to buy nice things for the family to enjoy. If items break or furniture becomes damaged because of careless behavior, Moms and Dads have to work extra hours to pay to have these items repaired or replaced. This means that there will be less money for the family to spend on other things. For example going; out to eat, to the movies or on vacation. As an adult, you will be responsible for replacing or repairing any items that you damage whether the damage was intentional or not. Horseplay should be reserved for outside only. No games which involve jumping or running should ever be played in anyone’s home. People who run in the house and/or who run/jump on or over furniture are viewed as people that don’t care about other people’s belongings. This is a sign of gross disrespect. Children who engage in this behavior are less likely to get invited to parties, sleepovers and other events. Children who act this way are often viewed as careless, reckless, selfish and self-centered.
I have had an opportunity to discuss these rules and the behaviors that are expected of me with my parents. I realize that I have a choice to either follow or break these house rules. I understand that by breaking a house rule, I am making a conscious choice to engage in behavior that is inappropriate. I am aware that breaking a house rule will likely result in me being disciplined for the violation.
Signature of Children
Name:_____________________________________ Date:__________
Name:_____________________________________ Date:__________
Name:_____________________________________ Date:__________
Signature of Parents
Name:_____________________________________ Date:__________
Name:_____________________________________ Date:__________
What Children Must Realize
Children need to realize that they don't run the household and that there are distinct differences between children and adults. Too often parents take it for granted that children instinctively know this. These differences must be outlined so there is no ambiguity. Do your children know these differences?
- Children are not adults.
- Children have no authority over adults.
- Children do not tell adults what to do, how to speak, or how to act.
- Children do not make demands on adults.
- Children do not correct adults.
- Children do not interfere with or interject their comments or opinions in conversations held between adults.
- Children are expected to follow directions and requests made by adults. Adults may give a reason but are not required to explain or justify their actions or decisions to children.
- Children are not allowed to ask for an explanation or to demand a justification for an action or decision made by an adult. In other words, children should not be allowed to ask “why?” and adults should not be required to explain “why” to children.
- Children may have some choices, privileges and freedoms, but only those choices, privileges and freedoms that are given to them by their parents.
- Adults will always have special privileges.
- Children have no right to question the fairness of the special privileges or behaviors enjoyed by adults.
- Children have a legal right to adequate food, shelter, education, medical care and clothing. Parents are not required to give their children anything else. Parents are not required to be generous with their time, money or personal belongings.
- Children are not allowed to hit, kick, stomp, slam doors, throw anything or use any other physical or verbal means to express dissatisfaction or anger with a statement or a decision made by a parent or adult.
- Children are not allowed to hurt anyone or force anyone to do anything
- Children make a conscious choice to follow or break a house rule or treat parents or other adults in a disrespectful and discourteous manner
- Children must realize that the consequences for breaking a house rule may result in the loss of some freedom, choices and privileges.
- Children may not use the excuse that they did not know about a house rule or that they did not understand what type of behavior was expected. If a child is in doubt about a certain behavior or action, the child is expected to ask a parent or an adult beforehand whether that type of behavior or action is acceptable before engaging in the behavior.
- Children may not use “I didn’t know” or “No one told me” as an excuse for inappropriate behavior.
Stop Feeling Guilty
Many parents who struggle with disciplinary issues exhibit the types of behavior that actually reinforce negative behaviors in their children. Because "quality family time" is so scarce, more and more parents are reluctant to discipline their children because they don't want to ruin "family time" or "increase their own stress level."
This lack of parental involvement has created a society of "latch key kids" that think they run the household and parents who feel so guilty about not being home that they let their kids get away with almost everything. Add to the mix the guilt parents feel about working two jobs, being divorced, not having enough money, etc. and you get a society of spoiled rotten brats that feel that they are entitled to everything just because they exist.
Despite the strong work ethics that most parents have, they have not seen fit to teach this same work ethic to their children. This has led to a generation we now call the "entitlement generation," which is a generation plagued by children who want "stuff" their parents really can't afford to buy (Ipods, X-Boxes, Designer Clothes, etc.) and parents who work two jobs and still max out their credit cards to buy their children the "stuff" that they can't really afford.
Today's parents have become nothing more than ATM machines and chauffeurs for their children. Parents give children money "just because" they ask for it. They don't require their children to help around the house, they don't assign them daily chores and they don't require them to clean up after themselves. This has created a society of self-centered, selfish, unappreciative and manipulative children that expect that everything will be given to them or that everything will be done for them.
The next time you start to feel guilty about not giving something to your lazy, unappreciative children, remember that your behavior reinforces that they need "stuff" when in reality, what they really need is "discipline" and a parent who can say "NO."
This lack of parental involvement has created a society of "latch key kids" that think they run the household and parents who feel so guilty about not being home that they let their kids get away with almost everything. Add to the mix the guilt parents feel about working two jobs, being divorced, not having enough money, etc. and you get a society of spoiled rotten brats that feel that they are entitled to everything just because they exist.
Despite the strong work ethics that most parents have, they have not seen fit to teach this same work ethic to their children. This has led to a generation we now call the "entitlement generation," which is a generation plagued by children who want "stuff" their parents really can't afford to buy (Ipods, X-Boxes, Designer Clothes, etc.) and parents who work two jobs and still max out their credit cards to buy their children the "stuff" that they can't really afford.
Today's parents have become nothing more than ATM machines and chauffeurs for their children. Parents give children money "just because" they ask for it. They don't require their children to help around the house, they don't assign them daily chores and they don't require them to clean up after themselves. This has created a society of self-centered, selfish, unappreciative and manipulative children that expect that everything will be given to them or that everything will be done for them.
The next time you start to feel guilty about not giving something to your lazy, unappreciative children, remember that your behavior reinforces that they need "stuff" when in reality, what they really need is "discipline" and a parent who can say "NO."
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