Isolation: The Ultimate Discipline

Parents often forget that one of the most powerful discipline tools at their disposal is isolating their children from the rest of the family. Every family unit, no matter how dysfunctional it may seem from time to time has family members that want and need to belong to that unit. When children's behavioral pattens create family chaos, parents NEED to isolate them from the rest of the family so they have time to reflect on their behavior.

Isolation doesn't necessarily mean that the child has to only be confined to their room for long periods of time. Sometimes a 20-30 minute isolation is all that is needed to get the point across that the child needs to calm down and change their behavior before they are once again accepted into the family unit. Remember, bad behavior will rear it's ugly head at the most inopportune times. For example, if a child is at a relatives house and starts to misbehave, a child can be told to sit in the living room for 20 minutes to reflect on his/her behavior while the rest of the guests socialize in the kitchen.

Meals are also another opportunity for parents to isolate children whose behavior has adversely affected the rest of the family. Eating alone in the kitchen, while the rest of the family eats in the dining room is a good form of isolation. So is having an older child stay home by themselves while the rest of the family goes out to eat at a nice restaurant. This is a very isolating experience that the child will not want to repeat anytime soon. Worst would be making a younger child stay home with a babysitter while the entire family enjoyed a night out at the movies or a fun day of bowling. However, this might be a necessary behavior modification tactic for a unruly, disrespectful, unappreciative or out of control child.

When a child's behavior becomes so unruly that it starts to adversely affect the rest of the family, the child needs to be isolated. Isolation should be long enough create a sense of loss. If a child is sent to his/her room for 20-30 minutes, this is usually sufficient. However, there may be times when the isolation has to be longer.

Here are some examples when more isolation may be needed.

Behavior: Child stomps up the stairs and slams bedroom door when told that a friend who was visiting could not sleepover. Child also screams through a closed bedroom door, "That's not fair!"
Parent's reaction: Parent immediately sends visiting friend home. Child is sent to his/her room for 20 minutes and told to think about his/her actions (stomping, slamming and screaming).

After the 20 minutes are up, the parent enters the isolated child's room and asks the child the following question "Do you know why you were isolated in your room?" The child's response to the parent's question will determine if the child has had a long enough time in isolation to reflect on his/her behavior. If the child answers, "Yes, because I stomped up the stairs, slammed the door and screamed," then the isolation time was probably sufficient. If the child answers "No, I don't know why I was sent to my room" or "You never let my friends sleep over," then the child probably needs to spend more time in isolation.

A good rule of thumb is to extend the isolation time by 10-15 minutes, incrementally, until the parent gets the most appropriate answer to the posed question. If the parent does not get an appropriate answer the first time the question is posed to the child, then the parent should inform the child that he/she will be given another 10-15 minutes to reflect. It is extremely important for a child to reflect on their behavior. Children should not be released from isolation until they know exactly why they were being disciplined/isolated.

It is important for children to understand that their behavior was utlimately responsible for their own isolation. To help a child understand this better, a parent should ask the isolated child the following question, "Whose fault is it that you had to spend 30 minutes alone in your room?" Although the response may vary from time to time, many children, especially young ones, will often respond back, "Yours!" Even though this response is completely inaccurate, many children believe that their parents, not their inappropriate behavior is the reason for isolation. Since we all know that perception plays an integral role in the way our thought processes work, we have to keep in mind that a child, especially a small child may think, "Mom put me in my room, so it's her fault that I'm in my room, not my fault."

The key to getting a child to change their behavior is to get them to first realize that THEIR BEHAVIOR was the reason that they spent the time in isolation. This is critical to getting the important message accross that all behaviors have consequences. Children start to mature when they stop blaming everyone else, especially their parents, for their miserable situations.

Isolation also helps a child to understand how their bad behavior has affected the rest of the family, as well as, any other individual that may have been exposed to their behavior. For example, if the child exhibited the bad behavior while the parents were entertaining friends and relatives, the child should be made to realize that the guests were made to feel very uncomfortable. The child should understand that their bad behavior affected more than their parents and siblings feelings, but that the guests who came over to enjoy a pleasant evening were also embarrased and uncomfortable.

If after explaining this to the child, the child appears to have no remorse, more isolation may be needed. Remember, no matter what the situation, an apology is always required. If the child made an outburst that affected other family members, guests or innocent bystanders, the child must make a sincere apology to the parties that were offended. Depending on the situation, parents must ensure that the child makes an immediate apology, or makes an apology as soon as the isolation period is over.

In extreme cases, it may be necessary to isolate a child for several hours or for an entire day. If this is necessary, the child should not have any distractions, like TV, Internet or music. A child can read and come down for dinner, but that's it. There should be no family interaction until the child has adequately reflected on their behavior and is out of isolation.

Use isolation as often as necessary, even while you are using other methods to discipline and you will notice a rapid improvement in your children's behavior.