Implement A Rewards System: Step By Step

QUICK & EASY - Get Your Kids On A Reward's System

CHECKLIST - For A Successful Rewards System Launch

Pre Launch
□ Advise the children that a family meeting will take place after dinner

□ Ask all of the children to come up with a list of chores they feel they are capable of performing and instruct them to write them down and bring them to the family meeting.

□ Print out a copy of Building Character: Why Parenting Is Important (Blog Article), What Kids Must Realize (Blog Article) The House Rules (Blog Article) and the Chore Charts that you customized for your children so you can distribute them to each child during the family meeting. Note: Print out enough copies so that each child and parent has a complete set of each document. Make sure that each child has a copy of the other children’s Chore Charts.

Launch
□ Have all family members sit facing each other. Mom and Dad should be sitting together showing a united front. Kids should be sitting across from Mom and Dad.

□ Start the family meeting by handing out copies the "Building Character: Why Parenting Is Important" blog article, the "What Kids Must Realize" blog article and the "House Rules" blog article to each parent and each child. DO NOT distribute the Chore Charts yet.

□ Inform the children that you want them to take turns reading the documents that you have prepared. Have the older children take turns reading if some of the younger children can't read or are just learning how to read. If your children are too young to read, then you may have to modify the articles to make them shorter and to use language the children will understand.

□ Have one child start reading the section on “Building Character: Why Parenting Is Important.”
□ After the child has finished reading, ask the children if they understand what was just read. Have a Q & A session if necessary. Note: You MUST drive the point home that you are not establishing the House Rules and Chores to be mean, but that you feel that it is something that you MUST DO to be a responsible and loving parent. Explain to the children that a good parent helps shape their children’s behavior and that the primary reason that you are doing this now, is because you have noticed that the children are exhibiting a lot of behavior that need shaping/changing.

□ Have a different child read the second section entitled “What Kids Must Realize” Keep in Mind that this section usually evokes a negative reaction in children because children want to feel that they are equal to adults. Remember, the emphasis here should be that children are NOT equal to adults. Adults have authority over children, not the other way around! Note: Every time you let your child “get away” with bad behavior without verbally informing him/her that their actions are inappropriate and every time you fail to follow through on disciplining your child for behaving improperly, you are reinforcing the bad behavior that you are trying to discourage. Children will pretend that they don’t understand this, but they do. You MUST explain to your children that you are making these changes because you want them to understand that all actions, inactions and behaviors have consequences. For example, if they forget their school book, they can’t finish their homework. If they don’t finish their homework, they get a failing grade, etc. Let your children know that FROM NOW ON, you are going to be actively involved in monitoring their behavior, which includes watching for what they are doing WRONG so you can punish them, as well as, watching for what they are doing RIGHT, so you can praise them. Remember, positive reinforcement or praise is just as important as punishment in changing and reshaping a child’s behavior. Have a Q &A if necessary. These points MUST be clearly understood by both parents and children in order for this to work.

□ Move on to "The House Rules." Have the children take turns reading the Rule and Reason for the Rule. Once the child is done reading, ask all of the children if they understand the Rule and why the Rule is necessary. Note: If the children do not understand the purpose of the Rule, reinforce the Reason for the Rule by giving another example or scenario. Remember, the Rules are NOT up for debate. Children DO NOT make the House Rules, parents do! Children do not get to pick and choose which Rules to follow. Children need to realize that are fully capable of doing many things on their own. They must realize that having responsibility will only help them to be more self-reliant.

□ Explain to the Children that you have also fallen into a bad pattern of behavior. Tell the children that you are aware that, in the past, you have warned them and threatened to punish them, but have been inconsistent with actually following through on your threats. Let them know that this lack of consistency on your part has resulted in them not taking what you say seriously. Let them know that this STOPS NOW. Note: Keep in mind that “Warnings and Threats” are meaningless to children if parents rarely follow through on actually doling out the discipline that they threaten their children with. Remember that when you fail to act, you fail to shape behavior. For example, if your child continues an activity or behavior for many minutes after he/she is told to stop, the child’s failure to stop is actually stating non-verbally that, “I hear you, but I know I don’t have to stop because I know you won’t punish me because you never follow through on your threats even after you give me a warning.”

□ Explain to the children that you are no longer going to allow them to “keep asking” until they get the answer they want. For example, let them know that if they want something and they ask Mom and Mom says, “No,” then they shouldn’t ask Dad in the hopes that Dad will say “Yes.” Tell them that the general rule FROM NOW ON is going to be “If you ask Mom and Mom says “No,” assume its “NO.” Note: Don’t allow children to get away with pitting one parent against the other. Never disagree about discipline in front of your children. One parent should never overrule the other parent. If parents disagree on what type of discipline is appropriate, they should try to reach an agreement. If one parent thinks that the discipline is too harsh, the discipline can always be changed later after an agreement between the parents is reached. Never let children think that they were instrumental in getting a discipline changed by pitting one parent against the other. Do not allow your children to manipulate you! Also, remember that it is extremely important that each parent should take turns being the bad guy. For this to work properly, it is critical that both parents are equally responsible for doling out punishment, as well as, praise.

□ After your children are finished reading the last Rule and Reason, ask them if there is anything that needs clarification. Ask the children if they understand what you are trying to implement and why these changes are needed. Inform them that you value their input and are willing to hear their suggestions, but you are NOT going to change your mind and that you are going to follow through with this new system.

□ Listen to your children’s feedback. Address their issues and go over whatever points are needed to get your message across.

□ Have each child read the statement that is above the signature line. Use one signature page for all the children.

□ Inform the children that each parent will also sign the signature page. Explain to them that this is a family agreement and that you also have also have a responsibility to follow through. Tell them that your job is to make sure that you recognize and reward good behavior and that you punish and discourage bad behavior.

□ Tell the kids that the House Rules will be posted on the fridge or some other place where everyone can see, including friends and family that comes over to visit. Let the children know that they are responsible for making sure that their friends know about the House Rules. Tell them that friends who choose to ignore the House Rules will be sent home. Note: Make sure the children understand that they can not use “I forgot” as an excuse for breaking the House Rules. Tell them that the reason that you are requiring them to sign the document is so there is no confusion about what type of behavior is expected from them or their friends.

□ Explain that your hope is that the whole family can be more cooperative with each other. Let the children know that in order to do this, you have divide up the household chores and gave each of them a list of daily responsibilities. Explain that the Chore Chart is separate from the House Rules. Let them know that you have tried your best to make the Chore Charts fair and that each child will have different Chores, depending on their age and capabilities. Ask the children if they thought more about the kinds of chores that they believed they were capable of doing. (Remember, you asked them to think about this earlier in the day, to write the chores down and to bring their chore lists to the family meeting.) Collect the Chore Lists from the children. Note: If some or all of the children did not bring their Chore List, express your disappointment. Let them know that you are taking a note of their behavior and that their failure to comply with your request makes a statement to you that they do not take what you are trying to do seriously. Let them know that there will be serious consequences for not taking what you are trying to do seriously.

□ Distribute the Chore Lists that you previously made up for each child. Also distribute the other children’s chore list so each child has a copy of what chores the other children are responsible for completing. Tell the children who completed the chore list that if they don’t see the Chores that they came up with already on their list, you will consider adding them. Note: Remember to thank the children who complied with your earlier request. Praise, praise, praise.

□ Instruct the children to look at their chore list. Explain to the children that EVERY Chore does not have to be done everyday. Make sure that they understand that there are certain Chores that have to be done everyday, like making the bed, taking a shower, putting dirty close in the hamper, but there are other Chores that only have to be done only on certain days.

□ Instruct the children to look at the boxes on the Chore Chart containing an asterisk (*). Tell them that asterisk indicates which days the chores have to be done. Note: explain to the children that each of them will have to take turns cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, loading and unloading the dishwasher, setting the table, etc. and that the chores have been designed to be age appropriate. Allow the children to ask questions. Do not explain the Rewards system yet.

□ Ask the oldest child to go through his/her Chore Chart, starting with the Morning Chores, then the Afternoon and Evening Chores. Ask the child if they understand what Chores they are responsible for performing.

□ Ask the child if there are any chores on the list that the child feels he/she is incapable of doing. If a child says “yes,” tell them that you will provide the necessary training that they need to complete the chore. Note: refer to the blog article "Pick age appropriate Chores."

□ Repeat steps 19 & 20 with the other children.

□ Explain to the children that it is NOT your intention to make them work night and day around the house. Let them know that everyone MUST contribute to keep the house orderly.

□ Tell the children know that you have developed a rewards system to reward them for completing their chores and for following the House Rules. Explain that at the end of each day, you are going to go down the Chore Chart with each of them. You can do this with one child while the other children are present and watching to discourage lying about completing Chores and following House Rules. Tell them that if they say, “Yes” that they complete the chore, you will change the asterisk to a STAR and if they say “No” that they forgot or didn’t do it, that you will change the asterisk to an X. Let them know that you will put an N/A in the box if they were unable to complete their chores through no fault of their own, eg. Basketball practice, dance, afterschool activity, etc. Let them know that if they get STARS for every asterisk listed in the Chores section, they will receive a 1 STAR Coupon for that day for completing all of their Chores.

□ Tell the children that you will then ask them whether or not they abided by all of the House Rules during that day. Let them know that you will change the asterisk a star if they say “Yes” or change the asterisk to an X if they say “No.” Let them know that if they followed all of the House Rules, they will receive a 1 STAR Coupon for that day for following the House Rules. Note: Do not let your children get away with lying. If they did not do what you asked them to do, e.g. completing their assigned Chores and following the House Rules they should not be rewarded with a 1 STAR Coupon. DO NOT give in to their whining.

□ Explain the “Warning” system. Tell the children that you want to give them a chance to succeed, so you will allow some time for them to learn this new system. Tell them that for the FIRST WEEK, you will allow them up to three warnings a day so they can get used to how the system works. Let them know that in order to earn a 1 STAR Coupon for following the House Rules, they must not have received TWO warnings for the same bad behavior. For example, the child can be warned once to make his bed, once to clean up his dishes and once to stop running in the house and still earn a 1 STAR Coupon for that day. However, if the child is warned twice in one day to stop running in the house, he/she blew his/her chances of getting a 1 STAR Coupon for that day.

□ Explain that in the second week, the “Warning” system will be less forgiving. Let the children know that in the second week, they will only be allowed TWO warnings. Again, if the child is warned for the same behavior twice, the child can not earn a 1 STAR Coupon for following the House Rules.

□ Explain that in the third and subsequent weeks, the child will only be allowed 1 warning per day. Ask the children if they have any questions about the Warning system or what it takes to earn a 1 STAR Coupon for following the House Rules. This should really be crystal clear for both the parents and the children at this point. Note: If your children have become accustomed to having you yell at them 4-5 times before they make you mad enough that they feel that they have to stop their bad behavior or before they feel they will get in trouble if they don’t go and do what you are asking them to do, the warning system may not work. In this case, you may have to go to an “Official Warning” system. When you notice a bad behavior, first say, “you better stop that or you are going to get an “Official Warning.” This serves as a type of pre-warning. If they don’t stop, then you MUST give them an “Official Warning.” There should be no 4th and 5th chances. This is the behavior that you are trying to modify! This “Official Warning” then counts against them. Do not give another “pre-warning” if the behavior continues or reoccurs again the same day, they must suffer the consequences by not receiving a reward. Remember, if the child receives “two Official Warnings” for the same behavior in a day, he/she is NOT ENTITLED to earn a 1 STAR Coupon because he/she has violated the House Rules. Use “pre-warnings” sparingly. Your children must realize that they must STOP when you say STOP. Your children must realize that when you say Go Do Something, that you mean business. You should not have to tell your children to STOP doing something four or five times before you get them to STOP. You should also not have to tell your children to GO AND DO SOMETHING four or five times before you get them to GO AND DO IT.

□ Show the children the sheet of 1 STAR Certificates. Tell the children that they must complete the entire sheet to be eligible for a reward. This means that they must receive 5-1 STAR Coupons for following the HOUSE RULES and 5-1 STAR Coupons for completing all of their CHORES. They can not use 1 STAR Chore Coupons to make up for losing a 1 STAR House Rules Coupon and vice versa, they will just have to wait until they complete an entire sheet, even if it takes an extra day or so. Eventually, your kids will learn the new Coupon/Certificate system and earn a reward. Do not be in a hurry to give a Coupons/Certificates if their behaviors have not changed. Children are NOT ALLOWED to beg you if they do not earn Coupon/Certificate. Children are NOT ALLOWED to use another child's Coupon to make up for a 1 STAR Coupon that they do not have or did not earn. Don’t start a bad precedent or the rewards system will not work.

□ Ask each child to name a reward that he/she would like to receive when the whole sheet of 1 STAR Coupons is complete (10 Total). Keep the reward around $5 in value. Now show the children the page of 10, 20 and 60 STAR Certificates. Tell the children that when they complete a page of 1 STAR Coupons, they can trade that page in for a 10 STAR Coupons (Large Certificate) and get a Reward ($5 value)……but, that they can also choose to WAIT (delay gratification) to get an even bigger reward by filling up another sheet of 1 STAR Coupons. (TOTAL OF 20) You can make this reward worth $12-15. Don’t go over-board with the rewards! Kids do not “NEED” to have more “STUFF.” They might want stuff, but they don’t need it, especially when parents pay for everything else anyway. Try to set aside "special time" with the kids as a reward instead of giving them "stuff." This can include going for ice cream, going to a movie, etc. Remember, this 1 Star Coupon/Certificate system teaches kids a similar concept to saving money. They use 1 STAR Coupon in the same way they use money. They can cash 10-1 STAR Coupons in for a small reward or they can wait and cash 20-1 STAR Coupons in for a larger reward. You can let them decide.

□ Now show the kids the 60 STAR Certificate. Tell them that at the end of each day, if they ALL EARN a 1 STAR Certificate for following the House Rules, you will put a separate 1 STAR HOUSE RULES Coupons into a jar. And, when they ALL EARN a 1 STAR Coupon for completing all of their Chores, you will put a 1 STAR CHORE Coupon into the jar. Tell them that when they reach a combined total of 60-1 STAR Coupons (30-1 STAR Coupons for House Rules/30-1 STAR Coupons for Chores) that there will be a FAMILY REWARD. Tell them that you are doing this to encourage each of them to help each other. This includes helping each other with chores and reminding one another to stay on track with their behavior. This reward should be worth about $50. Remember 30-1 STAR Coupons must be for following House Rules and another 30 must be for completing Chores. Ask the children what type of family reward they would like, for example, a video game, going to a movie, etc. DO NOT do any FUN Family activities with your children (movies, bowling, restaurants, etc) until your children’s behavior starts to improve and until you sense that they really appreciate it. This will take some time, but it will happen. Note: You will start to notice that your children will start saying things like, “Go do what Mom says,” and/or the older one will kick the younger one under the table when the younger one starts to misbehave. That’s when you know its working!

□ Discuss the “Do Over.” Typically, children will ask if there is anything that they can do to redeem themselves if they blow their chances of getting a 1 STAR Coupons for the day, either for violating the House Rules or for not completing a particular Chore. Since a 1 STAR Coupons is equal to a whole day of completing Chores and following the House Rules, let them know that it is possible, but the tasks that you will assign them to make up for them losing a Coupon will not be easy tasks. These tasks should be hard labor and should take approximately 4 hours. They can be assigned anytime/anyday to make up for a previous day’s lost 1 STAR Coupon. For example, cleaning the garage, cleaning out the cabinets and the fridge, scrubbing the floors, bathtubs and toilets. In other words, if a child is willing to do hard labor for 4 hours……give him/her a certificate after they complete the task. Only award the extra (Jar) 1 STAR Coupon if rest of the children pitch in to help that child with the “Do Over.”

□ Discuss Extra Rewards. Tell the children that you are not only going to be looking out for bad behavior, but good behavior too. Let them know that when you see them do something good or act in a manner that makes you feel proud, you will let them know about it and if you seem them consistently do something or act a certain way, you will reinforce that “good behavior” by giving them a special reward. This extra reward is completely discretionary. Purchase a special treasure chest or basket and stuff it with goodies that they could pick from on these occasions when you are going to give them an extra or “special reward.” Tell them that it is your hope that this extra reward will encourage them to do MORE than is on their Chore Chart. Tell them that you will only give them a special/extra reward when you notice that they are CONSISTENTLY doing other Chores not on their Chore Chart or if they are really being good by reminding their siblings to behave appropriately. Do not give a special reward out for ONE RANDOM ACT of kindness. Only give a special or extra reward for consistent or special behavior. Keep the treasure chest prizes at a $1-3 value. Remember, don’t go overboard. You can purchase these prizes from the dollar store or you can give a giant candy bar or a gift card. Remember, it is not the prize that is the reward; it is your acknowledgement that you are proud of them for exhibiting good behavior.

□ End the meeting by having a final Q&A Session. Note: Make sure that you tell your children that this system is new to you too and that you may also make mistakes. Reinforce that you will do your best to be fair and to treat each one of them equally.

If you stay consistent with your children and follow this system you WILL change your children’s behavior!